Love Song
by Ellipses
Summary: Set in the future, when Buffy's old and grey. They think about each other while looking at old photographs. Angel has photos of his own as well...


Title: Love Song ('Til It Kills Us Both)  
Author: Ice Princess  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue (cos I'm broke...)  
Summary: Set in the future, when Buffy's old and grey. They think about each other while looking at old photographs. Angel has photos of his own as well...  
Spoilers: Up to around IWRU? Not very spoilery really...  
AN: I got an idea while reading the Spike quote on someone's signature. POV's Pretty fluffy, but not too much. //lyrics-"Love Song" by Hanson (I had a thing for indie/garage a while ago, but now I'm reverted to alternative music. I just liked the lyrics...some are cut out though)//  
  
*****  
_//The wind blows through the trees  
Claiming those innocent leaves  
And the thunder rolls these crashing seas  
Like a tender kiss holds this heart in me//_  
*****  
**Buffy's POV**  
  


As I climb up the rickety stairs, up to the attic, I realise that it'd been too long since I was up there. I've lived in this house for over sixty years now. It held too many memories for me to sell it and move into a brand new home. And that's all you ever end up with--memories. Ever heard of the saying, "You can't take it with you"? The only thing you can REALLY take with you is the memories. And I would know, I've died twice.

This is what this adventure into the attic really is about. Memories. Before I die, I want to remember as much as I can so I can take it all to heaven with me. I was too unprepared last time.

At the grand old age of 77, I am still alive, not really kicking so much as sitting down feeling plenty of pain from my arthritis. I only wonder what has happened to all my friends from when I was young.

Willow. My sweet, innocent Willow majorly messed up a spell. It had pretty much convinced her to stay away from magick. She went to college in England soon after. I wonder what has happened to her... We kept in touch, but we soon drifted, and all contact ceased.

Xander. My good friend, Xander. He married Anya and when they'd earned enough money, moved to Boston, as far away from the Hellmouth as possible to start a construction business and raise a small family. A safe environment to raise children in. Well safer than the Hellmouth at least.

Dawn. Dear Dawn. She stayed in Sunnydale until she finished university, but moved away when she met and married a nice young man from San Diego. She visits sometimes, but not very much. She has her own family to take care of. And many grandchildren I hear.

Spike. The platinum blonde vampire disappeared a few years ago when Drusilla reappeared and promised to take his chip out. Or maybe it was a few decades, I can't really remember. It was so sudden and we were in the middle of yet another impending apocalypse back then.

Giles was with me all the way, until he died in his own bed of old age. VERY old age--a few weeks before he was to turn 91. The pain from that is still rather fresh.

You must be thinking what about Wesley, Cordy and Angel? Truth is, I don't really know. Until a few weeks ago, I thought that Wesley and Cordy had perished in the End Of Days battle. Fortunately, they made it out and are still alive, and had married a year after the End Of Days battle. Angel, he's always alive. Well, alive in a not alive sense. Always somewhere, making sure the forces of darkness are kept at bay.

I'm kneeling in front of an old box labelled '1999, Senior Year'. In it is my framed and slightly rumpled diploma, a dirtied graduation robe and mortar board, a few pictures, my yearbook, and a few other items I had stored away for this reason exactly. Angel once asked if I planned for the future, and I had said no. That turned out to be a disadvantage at times, but when I thought about death, all I could think about was taking the memories with me. For that, I'm grateful, since last time I was in heaven, I was disappointed not to have had all the memories. There's never enough time to remember everything. There's also no such thing as forgetting completely. I remember things I should not remember. It had taken time and concentration, but I regained much of the memory of the Day That Wasn't.

My Angel...

I pick up a picture from a set of three that I put into my special tin box. My perfect highschool memory. Prom pictures and an extra one that was just as special. I never really looked that hard, but we just looked perfect as a couple. If only Angel hadn't disappeared after the End of Days battle, we'd be together. It doesn't matter, a lifetime of memories can be just as good as a day of extra special memories. That's what I tell myself every day. Maybe I can believe it completely...sometime. Right now, I just wish that he was here, to hold my hand and kiss me like he can only kiss me. To die with his kiss on my lips is my fondest wish after the ones that are so plainly impossible.

These three Prom pictures are the only ones I have of him. But at least I still have other reminders of him: the leather jacket, the crucifix, the book of poems which I've read so many times I can recite them all off the top of my head, the claddagh ring, which I was able to find after many long hours of scouring the mansion floor.

I pick up the cardboard box and take it to my room. The room held so many memories for the two of us. Climbing through the window, Mr Gordo...just spending time in the company of each other. I still miss him, and after a while, I gave up trying to build a relationship with anyone who wasn't Angel. It was pointless and only lead to more complications.

That's why I'm here, alone, in my room, with an old tin box. Not only are there photos, they are special little things he gave me every so often for no particular reason. There is a small sketch of a young girl looking out the window. It holds so much innocence and longing...longing to be out enjoying the sunlight like the other children outside. What made it especially special, was that he drew it. For me.

I am almost completely confined to my bed, but walking around once in a while helps. Not that it isn't painful, of course. I've had worse though...

I can feel a tear sliding down my cheek. It is warm, but when the cool autumn breeze billows through my open window, it makes it feel cold and unwelcome. Which is not right since the tear was supposed to be a nice, warm feeling.

In my hand, I am holding a picture that Willow had taken of the two of us, catching us by surprise. It was of Angel and I, at the Bronze. I know, not very special sounding, but in some ways it means more to me than the two Prom pictures I have. It is more special because it's of us like we usually were--just another young and dysfunctional couple--cuddling in the Bronze. I remember it like it was yesterday just from looking at that one photograph. We were just Bronzing on a regular Thursday night and the Bronze was really packed. Fortunately, one of the couches were vacant. Angel and I, we just sat all night, talking softly, with my head on his shoulder. Very normal looking, just like I wanted us to be, but soon realised I didn't want, if I'd lose him for wanting it.

Willow had been taking pictures for a mini scrapbook she was making about the gang and wanted to catch us all off guard to get the 'real' impression of everyone. Not just posed and smiling like idiots. Willow ran out of film too quickly and had decided to scrap the idea and I kept the photo.

On the back of the Polaroid, Angel wrote a short note. "Never forget what we have and always remember to stay true to yourself, even if doing the wrong thing is tempting. Angel." She took two snaps of us, and Angel kept the other one, which I wrote on the back of as well.

It's interesting what you can remember from just one photo. Or one word, or from any one object. They stopped making cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream long ago, and it was at that point that I really started getting my memories back. That's another symbolic item gone because of modern technology and their 'profit first, customer satisfaction second' policy.

It IS the modern era now. We mostly rely on machines to do everything now. Even slaying. But that is not something I should concern myself with. Not now, not when I go for the third, and hopefully final, time. I don't want to die with slaying as my last thought.

I have memories of everyone scattered all over my bedspread. But in most abundance are the reminders of Angel, mom and Dawn.

Angel was the only one in my life who could show me how to really live. It's not just about a beating heart, functioning parts and organs or is it about how much you try. It's about caring for others and putting THEM before yourself, being selfless as they call it, to care for those who do not mean to harm others and to always do what you can to help because even the littlest things help. To have true humanity, not physically, is to REALLY live. The ironic thing about that is that Angel wasn't human for most of the time that he'd had true humanity. He had an unbeating heart, dead and unneeded organs, he didn't really even have to try, and he had more humanity in him than most of the humans running around today.

I only hope that people can learn to really live, or else the entire population would basically be a bunch of vampires with only half their souls. Uncaring and cruel.

I can feel it already starting to happen. It's a tingling feeling all over my skin that's not hot and not cold. Pleasantly numbing, even. I have the claddagh on my finger with the heart pointing in, my crucifix securely clasped around my neck, leather jacket draped over my shoulders and a lifetime of memories scattered all over my death bed.

I can feel myself slipping away and for once I'll truly be getting my reward.

I remember that Spike once said that Angel and I would be in love 'til it kills us both. Seems he's right, only I wish I knew what Angel feels about me...we've been apart too long. But I still love him. Always have always will. Just this once, I truly am strong. For the simple reason that I can take it. I can finally take it all.

"I'll always be yours." I kissed the ring lightly and walked towards the light.

*****  
_//In this life long, love song  
You can love right, you can love wrong  
In this love song, you can love long  
But if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone//_  
*****  
**Angel's POV**  
  


I haven't seen her since the End of Days. It feels as if it were yesterday. I suppose time feels different if you're a vampire. I don't really take that much notice.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. It's crazy, but it's been over 60 years since I first met her and I still can't stop thinking about her.

Cordy and Wesley visit me almost everyday, sometimes bringing their children or grandchildren along... It makes me wonder what happened to Buffy. Whether she met and married anyone. If she had kids. If she lives the life I wanted for her. The life I needed her to have to compensate for all the bad things I have caused her. Not just Angelus.

Right now, I'm sitting alone in my office (which has been all mine since Wesley retired), staring, not brooding, over the picture that stands rigidly on my desk. Cordy had given in after awhile and bought me a frame to put it in so that I wouldn't lose it or damage it. All to see a smile on my face. It's about time she realised that my habits are hard to break. I could brood all day without a single hassle from anyone. Those were the days. So much time has passed and the brooding has lessened considerably simply because I ran out of things to brood about. I guess that's what happens when you get older and life gets more boring because the people you used to know and care about have passed away.

Point is, I can't stop thinking about her. I still love her, and I don't want to interfere with her life any more than I already have. I don't deserve to be the one she wants to die next to.

I'm glad that she has lived so long. It's all I ever wanted for her. To not die young, in the line of fire. To get married to a nice 'normal' guy and have 2.4 children. Everything I wanted to have with her but couldn't due to the Fates' cruel sense of humour.

I only wish I knew what has happened to her since the battle. I'd know if she'd died. I would feel it, like I felt it last time. Like a horrible pain in my heart. Word of a Slayer's death spreads like wildfire too, so I could never be in the dark for very long. Metaphorically speaking.

I pick up the picture I have of her, slightly charred from the explosion at the old office and had discoloured a bit over the years, but still portraying the same simple beauty. Inside and out.

*****  
_//Mary was a young girl with a young girl's heart  
All I can remember is that I loved her from the start  
I was hers forever, she was mine too  
But something's wrong cause now she's gone  
Tell what should I do//_  
*****  
  


I have more than one photo. Fortunately.

I still have the Polaroid that Willow took of the two of us at the Bronze. On the back, Buffy wrote a short note, like I did with hers. "I'm the luckiest girl on the face of the planet. I don't need to have a 'normal' life to be as happy as I am now. Never give up, if you do, you no longer want to fight the good fight. It's the worthiest cause in the world... Love always, Buffy."

If only it were as simple as that.

I felt a pain in my dead, unbeating heart. No, it can't be. She can't be dead already. She can't be dead, she can't be dead, she can't be dead... No...

They say that life isn't fair. But 'they' are average people who complain too much. Life can't be unfair if we don't know what the purpose of life is, right?

Live, love, die...

*****  
_//In this life long, love song  
You can love right, you can love wrong  
In this love song, you can love long  
But if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone//_  
*****  
  


I can feel the pain in my heart still, and it feels odd now. A feeling I've never experienced before. The feeling of something solid in my heart.

I turned around.

There, with a bright crimson jewel in the middle of it's forehead, stood a mohra demon with a stake in his hand.

_//And it doesn't mean love's wrong  
Just because you're feeling low  
And it doesn't mean love's gone  
Cause you feel like you wanna let go  
Well no one wrote the book of love that you'd always know  
I wish someone would have told me before//_  
  


I started to turn to dust. I could feel myself crumble, everything felt as if it were in slow motion.

"This is for what you did to my brother. We have been sent to eliminate you, Warrior," he said to me.

The Day That Wasn't...I'll never forget that day. I could recall every single detail in my head, clear as crystal.

I kissed my claddagh, which I've been wearing all these years; with the heart pointed in. I belong to Buffy, always have always will. Even if it so happens that I spend to the end of eternity in Hell.

"I'll always be yours too, my love," I whisper, as my last words, before my tongue turns to dust.

A white light appeared in front of me as the rest of my body crumbled to dust, leaving me standing as a ghost-like ethereal body.

I walked toward the light. I broke into a run when I saw Buffy in the midst of the radiance, looking like she was in her 20's. I guess when you go to Heaven, you get to choose how old you wish to look. Not everyone wants to spend the rest of eternity looking so old and unhealthy. Is it called bodily self-projection? Something like that...

She welcomed me with a warm, loving kiss. Passionate, but as delicate as silk.

"Let's go in together," Buffy said as she took my hand in her own. I notice for the first time that I'm warm and alive. My heart is beating in my chest and it's the most wonderful feeling I've had in many decades. The feel of the sun beating down is incredible. Buffy lied, she looks absolutely gorgeous in the light.

I started to ask what she meant by 'go in', but then the radiance around died down and revealed a gate with a very normal looking city beyond it.

The Gates of Heaven. I could never imagine that I'd be worthy of coming here--with Buffy as well--after all the evil I have been the cause of.

I smiled brightly and gripped her hand tighter. She smiled back in response.

We walked through the Gates of Heaven hand in hand, just like I imagined, only, this is real. And the best experience of my entire existence. The feel of the sun on my skin, a beating heart in my chest, and walking towards an eternity together with the one I love.

This...is exactly what I think Shanshu should be. I died, and now I'm living (in a way), this is Shanshu. A reward...

Buffy slipped her arm around my waist and leant her head on my chest to hear the rhythmic beating of my heart.

"This is perfect. A normal girl in the arms of her normal boyfriend...just like that day..." With wide eyes, Buffy glanced at me cautiously to gauge my reaction.

"You remember?"

"How could I ever forget? Whoever said that old age makes you lose your memory is very wrong. Either that, or I'm very special." She smiled childishly.

"You're special anyway," I say with a grin, planting a gentle kiss on her button nose.

"Sweet-talker..." Buffy grinned as well, and pulled my head down for a kiss, not caring about being out of breath. Hey, remember? We're already dead, we can't die again...can we?

I remember what Spike said once. Well he was wrong. We won't be "in love 'til it kills us both", we're in love beyond even death.

Which is much more than the both of us ever dreamed for.

Speaking of dreams, I have to remember to ask what happened to her after the End of Days battle. After this...kiss...is over...mmm... God, I love her.

*****  
_//In this life long, love song  
You can love right, you can love wrong  
In this love song, you can love long  
But if you love wrong it doesn't mean love's gone//_  
*****  
  


THE END


End file.
